I’ve spent way too much time on thinking about doing things rather than doing them. Too much time is wasted on distracting myself and pretending to be fine.
“Pain demans to be felt.”
Here I am, 2 am in my room feeling the pain. It hurts but the hurting is a part of my life and I have (somewhat) accepted it. And I’d say I’m overwhelmed, also by this rusty feeling of pride, of unknown depth of happiness which doesn’t show. A few months ago, I was a disaster who did not hope to settle down ever again. I’m still a disaster, but I know I will find my serenity. Because, as I have always said, I can never give up. This was a battle that I never thought would fight. Turns out it wasn’t a fight afterall. It was a journey. One that probably never ends. One with darkness everywhere and the one with fireflies around me, making it beautiful somehow.
When I look back at everything that has happened, I don’t feel pathetic or nauseous anymore. I feel proud, mostly emotional. Because I don’t feel the way I felt back then. I’m not stuck on the edge of a stupid cliff anymore. I knew where I stood then and I know where I stand right now and there’s a huge difference, that I HAVE MADE. I know it, The universe knows it. And it’s smiling at me, saying ” That’s my girl!”
I haven’t written much in a long while. So many blank pages waited for me all day long with just the date and day on the top but they always found my face covered in my hands in despair. “Please don’t take your eyes away..” I get it, it’s a habit of mine. My New Year’s resolution would be not to take my eyes away. Not even from myself.
I should be preparing for my exams. But first, I want play the song that I’m learning. I want to complete the book that I started reading weeks ago. I want to write…. write. The thing I missed the most, my words. And I’ve written it. I finally wrote something. I learned something. I grew and am growing.
“The search will be beautiful.”
It is. Because in the end, I will find myself.